Tuesday, October 12th, 2010
It was the beginning my Junior year of high school. My life was in a state of consistent joy (something that hadn't occurred in a while). I was involved in a drama production called One Act, that competes at a regional and state level, and I had made many new friends; a smile on my face was not a rare attribute.
Practice had run a little long that night, because our regional One Act competition was coming up that Saturday. I remember being so excited! God was really starting to resonate in my life, and I was so filled with Him. God had just lead me on my first mission trip to Panama that summer, and my heart was overflowing with love.
During the drive home, I called my boyfriend at the time, chatting about this and that- I'm quite the "chatter". However, upon nearing my house, I looked up (my house sits on a large hill in the country, aka the middle of nowhere) and noticed several flashing lights. I could tell they were coming from a police or ambulance vehicle. I remember tears flooded my eyes as I stopped my car, and knew in my heart something was wrong. After quickly getting off the phone, I prayed. I remember specifically praying, "Please God, let Mom, Dad, Hannah, and Jonathan be okay." I drove slowly, crying. A pain in my heart had already settled, and my nerves escalated to anxiety.
When reaching the top of the hill, the flashing lights were what I had assumed from the bottom. Several police officers roamed around, and an ambulance sat in our front drive. I began searching for the source of the chaos- I saw my brother's car, okay Jonathan is okay, I saw my mom, mom's okay, and saw my dad's back turned to me. What could be the problem? Surely if something had happened to Hannah (who was at OU at the time), there would be no need for all of this.
I then saw my frantic mother, and saw a clear picture of what distress and shock look like upon the face of someone. She alarmed me because of her panicked look, and kept gesturing at me to park my car. I quickly did and got out to embrace her. I remember saying, "Mom, what happened?", because my mother could not seem to compose herself enough to speak, righty so. The most sorrowful words I have ever and will ever hear in my time on earth left her lips. "Jonathan! Jonathan! He took his life!"
At 17 years old, he went to be with the Lord. It felt like someone was pulling a sick joke on me. Tears did not flood my eyes instantly, because I simply could not grasp what I had just been told. A simple look of disbelief was the response to my mother's statement. I stood and held my mom. I stood and looked beyond her, allowing the situation to settle in my mind. Within moments, my father walked over, appearing as miserable as any parent would under the circumstances.
What in the world had just happened?
Later that night, I found out that my parents simply sat down with Jonathan to discuss college. They relayed to him that if he was serious about college, his grades needed to improve. Jonathan looked with complacency at both my parents, got up, and walked to my father's closet. My father was chasing after him, however Jonathan had locked the door, and shot himself.
Mom, Dad, and I fell to the ground in a huddle. Crying, praying, hugging, stopping at times to catch our breath. I don't know how long we lay there, but I know we lay in the grass of our front yard for what felt like hours. I felt numb to the world around me, except for one thing: the peace of God that transcends our understanding.
This night was a tragedy, but I have to express that in the midst of this crazy storm, I felt as if I was lying in the palm of God's hand the entire time. I often tell people that if 5 years ago, you were to tell me that in 2010, my brother would take his life, I would have told you that I would lay in my bed all day long, and life would cease to possess a lick of happiness for me. But the Lord is faithful, and the Lord is good, and because of that, life not only continued, but I was closer to God during this season of my life, than ever before.
Don't get me wrong, obviously, my heart ached and pained for my brother's life, and there isn't a day I don't wish him to be here. I so badly wanted (want) to go back in time, to let him know I loved him, and to let him know that he is so special. Unfortunately, life only moves forward, never back. Fortunately, God uses the future to heal our hurts from the past.
Satan intended evil, God intended good.
Let me clarify before going further, suicide should never be romanticized, or played up to something it isn't. It is evil, and wrong. However, God turned this evil and horrid event in my life to change the world around me for GOOD. Spring Break of 2010, I was honored to take the place of my brother on a mission trip to Guatemala. While I was there, I carried my brother's legacy and many came to know Christ as their Lord and Savior. God reminded his children that they are special, a simple complexity that I would never have conveyed if I had not experienced what I had.
At times, a heavy sadness, as expected, invades my heart. Sometimes in looms over my head for a while, and I lose sight of the good God intended. I yearn to see my brother, Jonathan David Michael Lemery. I simply want to hop on his back, to know he is here to play the "big brother" role in my life (which he did VERY well), or to just give him a hug. However, I know that he is rejoicing with the Savior of goodness and restoration. The Lord has constantly reminded me that I can rest easy because Jonathan knew the Lord, and is experiencing unexplainable joy in the presence of God.
Satan is a thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He planted a lie in my brother's head, and rejoiced when he thought he won. I am here to burst satan's bubble, because satan received no glory, but God did. Although satan attempted to thwart the plans God envisioned for Jonathan, there is an army of firm believers declaring the truth in Jonathan's place. We are being vessels of God's grace, and because of that, the kingdom of God is being furthered.
I will conclude by posing you with a challenge: reach out and remind someone (anyone, everyone), that they are special. Don't be afraid of their reaction. Pray about it, seek God's wisdom and guidance, and just do it! Too often, we enable satan by allowing fear to prohibit us from fulfilling God's plans for our lives. Step away from fear, and move closer to the trusting presence of God.
I promise you will have no regrets if you do it, but you may if you don't.
Above all else though, remember this
You are special.
Thank you for reading a piece of my heart
